adlynn's

Saturday, October 8, 2011

I woke up having tears in my eyes again. Just like every other mornings. But today, i was woken up by a msg from your mother again.

I dont know it made me feel like this. How things are so unjustified and blames are indirectly pushed to me without realising that i have feelings, i have a heart, i have a future, i have limits, and that i have fears. You can tell me all that, all that brings me down. You can tell me how your son is suffering so much, and going crazy, without realising what i have become, what i have been through.

If anytime you ever stumble upon this blog, and if you'd read this post, i hope you know what is happening to me. I am depressed, i sleep and wake up crying frantically and if ever wonder how, its breaking down. This process of every single day that has been happening to my life since then are causing me to be depressed.

I get sick more often. I lose my hair so much due to stress. Why am i stressed have you wondered? My mind fills up with so much fears and negativity thay caused me to think and overeact too hard just within my ownself and my feelings, and that its sucks because i need help. But i didnt search for any help. I let myself rot and burn in this phase. I let myself die in this. For you.

I know that i'll end up with you. Whether or not you'll find another before me, i dont know. But i know i'll end up with you. As much as my hope is almost gone, i know my love and my faith is here somewhere, somehow.

Just give me this time, on my own, to live my life, when you took it away and burnt my life instead, i didnt had a chance to find happiness in others. Like my family, my work and my loyal friends. Because it has always been about you.

I want to die knowing i have lived my life. And i want to die seeing myself still loving you.

Ammirza, you can leave to live your life. But i'll choose to smile eventhough hurt is always causing trouble inside. But i know the length of what i can sacrifice for you. So hence, whether depressed, i will still love you and hold on strongly to my belief.

Because, i dont know what is love. But all i want to do is loving you.

Love,
A.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

It was the first time i saw you since the last. In a very long time. Every time i passed that line of road before your house, i know my eyes automatically feels me. I would watch your corridoor and paused my life just so content in watching and be familiar with the surrounding and feel abit of, love. But i see none of you. You always disappear.

But today, of all days, you were there. And i felt that youre so near yet so far. I hope i could use my hands to reach out for you. But i was frozen on my seat, and fingers shaking, i was afraid. I looked down with tears in my eyes and a whole rush of memories just came gushing in. Stops by stops i passed without realising mine has passed too.

I knew that i still love you, when i felt my heart breaking so hard. It was breaking, torturing my heart like no other.

I hope youre safe, and that you can smile. Even for a little while.

Love,
A.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Love,
A.

because you're good.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

as you take a drive along the journey of life, you tend to suffer bruises and pain even when you feel as if you've placed your ass safely glued onto the seats. Bad things are just bound to come by no matter how hard we try to be extra careful with it. We as humans, the only thing we can do without going against God's will, is just to accept it, no matter how bad, or difficult the outcome may ever be.

Love has its natural reasons why it hurts a human soul. It teaches us the satisfaction of pain, and the beauty of tears. Sometimes, we just think its really unfair, but as we get to the inner depth of being in love, they're all spread out to making us understand that everything is indeed justified, but only through the injustice way. Even if you feel that your heart is broken into pieces, or whatever you may give a decription to show how extremely destroyed you have become, you will soon learn that they're all part and parcel of being in love.

It's not how jinx you are, or how unlucky you get with handling this side of people that you want to love. It's just the way life goes, even if a guy leaves you, even if the guy backs away, its all part of life. But on the other hand, in a simple yet meaningful way, love is bringing you to a path where you hold a stronger heart to bring you through a harder battlefield where you keep fighting that even if in their eyes, you lose, love will indirectly teach you that you're that amazingly close to winning.

You're a good girl, the most perfect i can ever think of. But hold your heart right and stop those tears. The earth's ground too afraid to feel your sadness and even if they did, they'll hate you for that. Because you don't deserve to cry. You just don't deserve to.

Promise me to dry your tears. Because it will be okay, if not today, then it will tomorrow. have faith in you, it'll bring you to a greater place then where it has brought you now, right now.

i love you, don't cry k crybaby.

finally.

i'd love to tell you that you've been amazing. when your eyes glare as it stares at me, i see the shine i can never see in anyone else's. these days when my mind is perplexed with loss and pain, you stood by me, held me and supported me in times of weak. when my tears crumble you held me tight and gave me your strong shoulders. I finally felt that we're both in love.

i don't know if this is the reward God is finally giving me after all the years of patience and courage, but whatever it is, whatever He does, i hope it's the best for me.

please.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

love seeds we keep, then grow in a while
time passes by, with nothing at all
as veins creep out, i held on closer to you
but the love seeds just came spilling out
you pick up those hearts and then grew tired
i thought it'd last, but it got expired
but love will never get out of the way
give it time, and give it ray
so listen to it, and then listen to your heart.
cos i want you to know, that it isn't so hard.

Don't give up.
Because i just love you too much.

Harder.

I'm just not me nowadays, and you ought to know that. It's exhausting to become who i am, when deep inside my heart tears apart. Every effort for being happy or at least 'a-okay' is harder than i thought. I feel little much devastated this time around then it ever did on previous deaths before.

I see images of you everywhere i go. I don't know what this is telling me, where this is bringing me. I try to shut my eyes and make it all disappear, but the more harder i shut them, the more i just keep missing you. I know that all this will end soon before i knew it, but for now, stay where you are because i just want to see you for the last time. Just one last time.

I'm just getting too afraid of things.

You, please dont turn your back on me. I beg you.