likefuck

2011-10-08T09:56:00.001+08:00

I woke up having tears in my eyes again. Just like every other mornings. But today, i was woken up by a msg from your mother again.

I dont know it made me feel like this. How things are so unjustified and blames are indirectly pushed to me without realising that i have feelings, i have a heart, i have a future, i have limits, and that i have fears. You can tell me all that, all that brings me down. You can tell me how your son is suffering so much, and going crazy, without realising what i have become, what i have been through.

If anytime you ever stumble upon this blog, and if you'd read this post, i hope you know what is happening to me. I am depressed, i sleep and wake up crying frantically and if ever wonder how, its breaking down. This process of every single day that has been happening to my life since then are causing me to be depressed.

I get sick more often. I lose my hair so much due to stress. Why am i stressed have you wondered? My mind fills up with so much fears and negativity thay caused me to think and overeact too hard just within my ownself and my feelings, and that its sucks because i need help. But i didnt search for any help. I let myself rot and burn in this phase. I let myself die in this. For you.

I know that i'll end up with you. Whether or not you'll find another before me, i dont know. But i know i'll end up with you. As much as my hope is almost gone, i know my love and my faith is here somewhere, somehow.

Just give me this time, on my own, to live my life, when you took it away and burnt my life instead, i didnt had a chance to find happiness in others. Like my family, my work and my loyal friends. Because it has always been about you.

I want to die knowing i have lived my life. And i want to die seeing myself still loving you.

Ammirza, you can leave to live your life. But i'll choose to smile eventhough hurt is always causing trouble inside. But i know the length of what i can sacrifice for you. So hence, whether depressed, i will still love you and hold on strongly to my belief.

Because, i dont know what is love. But all i want to do is loving you.

Love,
A.

2011-09-10T20:45:00.001+08:00

It was the first time i saw you since the last. In a very long time. Every time i passed that line of road before your house, i know my eyes automatically feels me. I would watch your corridoor and paused my life just so content in watching and be familiar with the surrounding and feel abit of, love. But i see none of you. You always disappear.

But today, of all days, you were there. And i felt that youre so near yet so far. I hope i could use my hands to reach out for you. But i was frozen on my seat, and fingers shaking, i was afraid. I looked down with tears in my eyes and a whole rush of memories just came gushing in. Stops by stops i passed without realising mine has passed too.

I knew that i still love you, when i felt my heart breaking so hard. It was breaking, torturing my heart like no other.

I hope youre safe, and that you can smile. Even for a little while.

Love,
A.

2011-09-08T13:13:00.001+08:00

Love,
A.

because you're good.

2010-01-14T11:39:00.007+08:00

as you take a drive along the journey of life, you tend to suffer bruises and pain even when you feel as if you've placed your ass safely glued onto the seats. Bad things are just bound to come by no matter how hard we try to be extra careful with it. We as humans, the only thing we can do without going against God's will, is just to accept it, no matter how bad, or difficult the outcome may ever be.

Love has its natural reasons why it hurts a human soul. It teaches us the satisfaction of pain, and the beauty of tears. Sometimes, we just think its really unfair, but as we get to the inner depth of being in love, they're all spread out to making us understand that everything is indeed justified, but only through the injustice way. Even if you feel that your heart is broken into pieces, or whatever you may give a decription to show how extremely destroyed you have become, you will soon learn that they're all part and parcel of being in love.

It's not how jinx you are, or how unlucky you get with handling this side of people that you want to love. It's just the way life goes, even if a guy leaves you, even if the guy backs away, its all part of life. But on the other hand, in a simple yet meaningful way, love is bringing you to a path where you hold a stronger heart to bring you through a harder battlefield where you keep fighting that even if in their eyes, you lose, love will indirectly teach you that you're that amazingly close to winning.

You're a good girl, the most perfect i can ever think of. But hold your heart right and stop those tears. The earth's ground too afraid to feel your sadness and even if they did, they'll hate you for that. Because you don't deserve to cry. You just don't deserve to.

Promise me to dry your tears. Because it will be okay, if not today, then it will tomorrow. have faith in you, it'll bring you to a greater place then where it has brought you now, right now.

i love you, don't cry k crybaby.

finally.

2010-01-14T11:39:00.003+08:00

i'd love to tell you that you've been amazing. when your eyes glare as it stares at me, i see the shine i can never see in anyone else's. these days when my mind is perplexed with loss and pain, you stood by me, held me and supported me in times of weak. when my tears crumble you held me tight and gave me your strong shoulders. I finally felt that we're both in love.

i don't know if this is the reward God is finally giving me after all the years of patience and courage, but whatever it is, whatever He does, i hope it's the best for me.

please.

2010-01-13T17:38:00.005+08:00

love seeds we keep, then grow in a while
time passes by, with nothing at all
as veins creep out, i held on closer to you
but the love seeds just came spilling out
you pick up those hearts and then grew tired
i thought it'd last, but it got expired
but love will never get out of the way
give it time, and give it ray
so listen to it, and then listen to your heart.
cos i want you to know, that it isn't so hard.

Don't give up.
Because i just love you too much.

Harder.

2010-01-13T08:26:00.003+08:00

I'm just not me nowadays, and you ought to know that. It's exhausting to become who i am, when deep inside my heart tears apart. Every effort for being happy or at least 'a-okay' is harder than i thought. I feel little much devastated this time around then it ever did on previous deaths before.

I see images of you everywhere i go. I don't know what this is telling me, where this is bringing me. I try to shut my eyes and make it all disappear, but the more harder i shut them, the more i just keep missing you. I know that all this will end soon before i knew it, but for now, stay where you are because i just want to see you for the last time. Just one last time.

I'm just getting too afraid of things.

You, please dont turn your back on me. I beg you.

run dry.

2010-01-12T13:38:00.002+08:00

i don't know if this is grief. but in the course of griefing i don't see myself anymore. energy runs out so tears could flow. i don't want this heart to break so much. i walk around aimlessly but the only thing which comes to my mind is you. i don't know where you're at now. But i hope you're still somewhere close to me.

i am afraid of losing so that explains why i am this way.

i think about our times together. how i often tease you but i never managed to win, with your wit and guts, you win hands down. i miss the fun person that you were when we debate on something and you'd just go "eh eh alin.." and i'd just go, "eh eh mak busu...". i miss the way you love bollywood movies and you have all soundtracks on your phone and regularly bluetooth them to mama's phone. i miss the way you call my mum every morning without fail to catch up on things, or just to merely gossip and i will always remember how i first proclaimed you both as bestfriends. i miss how i would double check with my mum if you'd be there at nenek's place and if not, i wouldnt want to come. I hope mama is strong enough to take this all in. i am worried of her as much as i am towards her family. She is mama's bestfriend. I hate remembering all this but then again, everything could be compiled and placed nicely as my favourite memories of you.

I keep on thinking and wishing you'd still be here. So i could call you instead, when you're at home and im in school. To check on you, to ask you if ever you need any help. I would have been there for you if i had known everything. I am sorry for everything.

I just hope you're at a better place.
For me, i know that one day, as much as i could cry, they'd run dry.

My one and only Mak busu.

2010-01-11T23:51:00.003+08:00

my tears could slowly fill up a sea of my own. the memories comes all at once and saturated my whole entire mind till it choked me. it's choking me so badly. i sleep to keep all this away and left it untouched to where it should stay, but i woke up feeling lost and how constricted my heart became that i think about nothing else but my love for you. it was inevitable, only God has his reasons for everything.

i took this huge loss as a lesson learnt for me, that family should always be my priority.

I regret so many things after today. I can't think anything anymore. I just miss you, and i am going to miss you more in times to come.

perfect nights like this.

2010-01-09T03:00:00.002+08:00

i listened to the silence surround me, as the wind blows it slowly deafened my ears.
with whisperings of your breath, i held my ears fixed to you. The little voices that lingers in the drums, it slowly made its way into my head.
What was i ever thinking about?
I slowly let my breath relieved a good moment of sigh, i took a newer breath.

They're all the same afterall. People change, people stay, people go. For me, i chose not to care anymore, at least for the moment, but let loose. I held on to what's there for me, and if it could last, make it last forever.

Tonight i remembered your words, how the words of warmth soothes my little heart as you held me closely and embraced me. As you held my hand, i remembered the years. The years of fire from hell, and the ones that burnt me, reaped me off into pieces and brought me down. With you today, I am as strong, and the best thing i could ever think off in the midst of the heartbreaking situations that i story-tell, the best thing i remembered is that i'm in your arms tonight and it felt as good than love itself. It is amazing. Maybe because i love you. No, it must be because i truly love you.

hello bitches.

2010-01-07T12:17:00.001+08:00

been long huh since i last post any entry. well, just wait for my comeback. pretty soon, i tell you!

perhaps

2009-08-28T12:15:00.002+08:00

everything seemed practical at this moment, so many things been happening with the most realistic reasons that often make me sit and think if it's all worth it regardless of any pain exerted into me. At times i am tired, well i possibly could be. Humans are just as weak as they already are, so am i. But i am afraid, because i don't want to be too tired of things, i want it to be just the way like it is now, perhaps better, perhaps.

forever

2009-08-20T11:44:00.003+08:00

when i feel completely lost in this world, i tend to search for the easiest reason to fall. My hands reaches out for someone to hold in deep desperation, and often, i live with the eagerness of living on, and that's when i fall completely into pieces. As my mind turned into perplex pieces, all that left me baffled with circumstances are what's concealed with so much pain and confusion. what can i ever do now?

i'm glad you're always here. i don't know what better could God ever possibly give me.

you: i love you dear.

me: i love you too.

you: so much.

me: so much too.

you: forever.

me: forever too.

you: the old kind of forever.

me: the old kind of forever.

fucking hate

2009-08-18T09:29:00.003+08:00

this exhaustion is soon killing me. how can i ever go on with life when i am physically shagged? fuck it. I haven't had much sleep or rest for this entire few months if i can remember. Now i am thinking of having another job already, dont care, bubble tea, bakery, also can. crazy right? I don't know, I'm just too absorbed into the career side somehow. Now that my shopping mood is coming back.....Yawn! when is this (attachment) gonna be over man. wait let me count. fucking 3 days. HOLY SHITZ!

My life is nearly at its peak now. it feels so fucking great.

Baby's been good. Only, mr crutches boy has yet to recover but i hope he does very very soon. Has been taking care of him very well eversince forever? Right. Hope he eats well, drinks well, sleep well, rest well. I cut his hair last weekend, he looks pretty now. Eventhough during that moment he actually screamed and said, "kenapa rambut i pendek sangat i dah cakap kan takmo pendek sangat you kan nampak i bukannya nampak jangan jadi bodoh you bukannya first time potong rambut i macam pantat sia perangai you dah pendek tau ah blah blah blah blah and lastly kiwakkkk!" and then when he was styling up his hair, he said,"nice sia my hair, i like this way, sedap ah feeling dia, very nice very nice." diam sua boy, lu nye mulut macam pantat ah. haha! (no, i don't talk like that, i am just impersonating the mat rep my boyfriend is, but i still love him no matter how many kiwaks and pantats he says in a day)

I am starting to have a wishlist, you know, like the ones you see at the side of people's blog and then once they got what they want they will check them? haha eventhough i think its so kental i guess i gotta admit, its easier that way. but no way am i going to publish whatever i need and want here. no no no no.. i'm doing one for myself, and one for ammirza. you know, we're always the macam paham "let be the (insert) couple ah sekarang". omg i realised my malay is way too explicit when i read them with my own eyes, i blame ammirza and aini for this.

oh yes! speaking of which, i fiiiinnnnaaaallllllyyyy met up with aini and also to celebrate her belated birthday. had kampung food and kampung tikar, buah duku and mata kucing, ice-cream, all that's enough to make us happy. I was happy, very very happy! Only tired. I even made her come to bedok reservoir please. I love you Noraini Kamsani.

I fucking hate this post, it shows many signs of stupidity. so, bye.

you are my perfection,

2009-08-13T16:25:00.002+08:00

i missed you, just because your line got suspended and i cannot give you sweet messages at the moment. It felt like forever since i sent you a good message, or call you through your phone. It sounds crazy, but to me, its incredibly crazy.

I hope you like those shoes, i didn't mean to like surprise you just because i had more money last month or whatever you may see it as.

Just that, it has been long since i've seen you happy, like really happy. You've been down, you've been hiding inner self with your ignorant front, laughing away your imcompleteness you feel inside. You've been feeling like a pathetic loser but you just had to go through life to where its bringing you. I've always been here for you. I know that buying something you may like, might really cheer you up, and im glad it did, im more glad i did. the way your heart gleams, your smile shines my way through. At that instance when you look at me in disbelief but full appreciation, there's something in you that makes me want you even more. And there's something in you that makes me want to just start believing, believing in you, believing in ourselves, and believing in the love we're sharing now.

i know i cannot live without you, and neither do you, like how you've said. I just hope that slowly our faith builds up for our love, though what we have now, is as close to perfect, never stop your prayers from getting the best. Afterall, we have what we want, but we do not have enough yet, of what we really need.

you know i love you. and i know you do too.
thanks for holding me close to you the whole time of last night.
it was more that what i can ever think of.

my pain

2009-08-12T11:20:00.002+08:00

I am sorry for the sudden posts extracted from my private blog which i've kept away for a long time. But its just that when i started reading back about the posts i wrote, i sensed so much sincerity and hopelessness in every words that ever came out from me. I was alone back then, had this as a companion, and started turning my back on people, on everyone, on everything. And because of my sacrifices of those lonely months, made me who i really am today.

I went through the worst during those months, where i'd just rush to my school's toilet to breakdown during intervals of lessons. Breaking down was like a routine for me, just to get all the pain out from my chest. The worst thing was that i had no close friends, I was alone, i had my lunch alone, for which i did starve myself to get ciggarettes instead and hid myself in between some lonely blocks and puff my sadness away. It was painful, of what i had to go through. I am always dressed nicely to school but the makeup mixed with tears, swollen eyes, tired shoulders just ruins every thing. So in the end, i gave up, i gave up with almost everything.

Each time school ended, i began searching for good places to go, on my own. I always ended myself up either at East Coast (the usual spot me and amrz always go) or if i ended school later than usual, i'd spend some quiet moments alone near his place. I am always covered in tears, wherever i went. I was scared, to meet people, to talk to them, to know them, to be friends with them. I almost went crazy without anyone knowing, because most of the times, i would purposely not charge my phone so it'll always be in low batt. So i am uncontactable all the time.

There are times when i go weird places like clark quay along the Singapore River just to see, hmm, things. I usually not know which direction i am heading so i usually end up at weird places like this, or maybe sometimes, i would just end up at simei. Yes, of all places, simei, and when i've reached, i never want to regret so i made a white lie to myself that i wanted old chang kee so bad.

There are a couple times where i head over to Woodlands hoping i could see you around, i had no absolute guts to msg you, i'd just go to a particular spot and wait as i light up one, two, five, and then the whole pack of my pathethic cigarrettes from hell. And usually when i am already there, i'd be happy with fate because i'll always get a message from you, asking me "where are you dear?" and i'd lie, "hmm im in school" and then there you go replying, " im on my way to your school baby. meet me okay?" so being irritated about how fate is fooling me, i'd reply, "its okay, im actually at my school's bustop. heading home. i don't want to wait. Im tired." so it'll always be like this, and'd be like the fucked up one now when initially, my intentions were really really good.

I don't get how fate is actually bringing us. Maybe it did, positively, but usually only for a while. After which, things just go crumbling down in a moment in time. i never believe in fate, since then. I learn from the heartbreak situation i've been in, i move on from there without leaving any points just like that hoping i can easily run from reality. i took them all with me. I fix it for months. So here i am today.

I may be fucked up before, more fucked up than i can ever think of, but the one who knows me best, is only myself. What i go through as sacrifices, i don't like to show, i don't like to compete with anything, 'like i sacrifice more than you do just that you dont know' sort of thing, i am certainly not that kind of person. I like to keep things low because if i were to tell anyone about it, i can only gain compliments, but if i kept it all to myself, im an advantage and i gain benefits for my pride and self worth.

but you know now. we both go through the different kind of heartbreak, but went through the same kind of pain.

I'm just more than glad we're both okay now. Happy and contented. I guess that's all matters. And maybe what keeps us together is our love. Our true love.

jan26'08

2009-08-12T11:17:00.000+08:00

"baby,
i'll treasure the laughters and keep them all,
in a wishing well we built since we were young,
when we were free and happy,
the air we breathe were of joy and bliss,
the birds and butterflies celebrated along with our love,
and every step we took were sprinkled with fairy dusts.
and we'd hold our hands and locked them with our hearts,
i'd stare into your eyes and get lost in you.
when they watch us and turn green with envy,
we make people wanna fall in love.
you'd wrap the grass and make it into a ring,
slipped it down my finger and looked into my eyes,
gave me surprise kisses on my cheeks,
and stroke my hair, held me tight.
when i had forever and you had love,
and all we ever had,
was just

you and me."

-extracted from another private blog of mine (again!)

04/02/08

2009-08-12T11:14:00.000+08:00

"the existence of love, doesn't quite apply to me at this very moment.

but, i have locked you in my heart,

so let me throw the keys away,

where it'll never be found.

and i love you.

pls stay and wait for me,

even if it takes years, hundred years, or eternity."

-extracted again from my other private blog

2009-08-12T11:11:00.000+08:00

"our 15th month, my wish.

if god would grant just any wish for me, it would be just you and your heart tonight.

ammirza, there are so many things i've always wished to tell you, whether it hurts or not.

but i missed so many things, the way you held my hand when i sprained my ankle, the way we tease each other, the way i sleepwalk and you directed me wrongly, the way we had happy phonecalls and ended up snoring, the way you smile and your eyes gleamed with happiness, the way i cry on your shoulders, the way you loved lying on my lap, the way i could hear your heart beat thumping when you're near with me, and just the way you love me.

something's just couldn't change, and it will never change.

i love you. "

-extracted from another private blog of mine (03/03/08)

15/05

2009-08-12T11:06:00.000+08:00

"life has its many setbacks and failures comes by every now and there. It's hard to cope with many things that doesnt come the way you want it to be. I made an absolute wrong choice to be in this school, taking up a course much to my dislike. I struggle with my own time and effort, just to get a place in class. and it is really hard to be living in pretense.

Day by day my dreams go further, what i wanted since young were out of reach. Slowly i see myself breakdown of something not worth my tears at all. But if it wasn't for love and sympathy, i would have pursued my dreams just the exact way i wanted it. I knew dad wanted me to excel in this particular area i've always wished, and yet again, i know, that our financial status weren't enough to support my school fees. But it is okay, it has always been okay. As long as he's happy, i am more glad to attend school even if i score a pathetic 1.3 for GPA. I know that one day, things will work out.

I never thought at this age, i am already thinking about so many problems i am currently facing. This time, more wider and deeper. More complex and heartbreaking. But i always believe that as long as i have faith in God and myself, I wouldn't come to the lose end. I can survive with my own courage and guts.

I wanna be happy, i just want that in life. I want to have ammirza back again because he's such a good boyfriend to me, and not forgetting, always my bestest bestfriend. I wanna have bestfriends that never lie, that'll stand by me till the end of time. I wanna have my family back again, where we'd sit on the the same table to have dinner together. It's just so hard to accept that things are all so broken right now.

i just wanna tell everyone that i love them, and loving them is always the best part of my entire life."

-extracted from another private blog of mine (15/05/08)

God.

2009-08-11T11:10:00.002+08:00

The best thing about Ramadhan is about the amazing aura that fills me completely with peace and blessings.

Ramadhan has always been the month which every muslims practically looked forward too. A month of hunger, but a lifetime worth of god's precious gifts. There's something about this amazing month that always brings me closer to God, how i crave for Him and look upon him in whatever situation i may be in. My faith in Him builds up amazingly during Ramadhan with endless opportunities as I sense the gates of hell (who constantly make me experience the influences of sins) in defeat. These are the days when i chose to let myself climb a step higher in love, patience and faith as i turn my back around to hatred and sins.

There are so many things to say, that if I were given any opportunity and especially time, i would spend it all talking and rambling over and over again about God's faith and how amazing he is to me. But of course, I wouldn't be going around preaching, I usually talk to my boyfriend about it or i just write them all in my diary. That's how close i keep my faith in God.

I know i am not a perfect Muslim, i am just as fucked up as everyone else of my age, I know i still commit sins like almost all the time. But to me, no matter fucked up I may become, nothing, just absolutely nothing can take away my unconditional love or my deepest faith in God. Because He is the one who forgives me sincerely without retaliating in any sense, equip me with guidance and a bit of downs and let me go through the hard way just to make me learn about life and the world. That even how bad my life may ever be, no matter how much my heart breaks inside, no matter how much tears i leaked almost every day and no matter how my emotions are being abused, I've never ever blamed God for it.

I love God, and no matter how alone I'll be in this world without anyone to love me, or worst, if the whole world hates me, nothing can ever bring me down because at least I have God, He's staying forever with me. (:

ukgh

2009-08-05T14:40:00.002+08:00

I feel lethargic right now. Naomi's suprise 18th was a blast, well afterall, i did enjoy myself, especially when everyone told me they liked the food i cooked....haha! The kembang very semacam i suker! I cooked two kinds of pasta, one bolognaise, and another is carbonara. fingerfood were special as i coated crabstick with tempura crisps, and sausages with hot and spicy coating and granny helped me out with the white nasi goreng but very tasty yum yum! Thanks for the help too cik nor (you're gonna kill me for mentioning your nama manja here). I hope the birthday girl goes home happy as can be. But i went home tired, baby was exhausted too. He hugged me throughout the journey home in the cab. we talked at our usual place about personal matters that we always do, and he begged and hoped if i could go home later (much later cos by then it was already 12 midnight and i got curfews BY THE WAY), so i thought, why not? i stayed till 1 am because he wants some loving time with me (: (and that means a lot)

I realised my hair is getting long already. i love the feeling of them swaying and flipping flip flip. (:

This morning i realised that i woke up remembering about the words amrz told me last night, it was more than enough to secure me through the night and embrace me with love. Its like an impromptu surprise by my own thoughts right when i get myself concious in the morning. It was a great feeling. I didn't wake up with any fear like i always do, which i think i will soon thrash it all away.

So i decided to change my mind of following my other workmates to Singpost to have our lunch, instead, i headed over to amrz's place and guess what did i bought for him and myself? NASI RAWAN + SAMBAL SOTONG + AYAM GORENG usah lupain SAMBAL BELACAN! omg i swear it was so nice. i bought 2 bungkusan. one for myself and one for him. And one packet is like for 2 servings, and i actually finish them all, amrz didnt even finish them. i was even licking my fingers making sure i have no rice stucked in between my fingers. I was so happy i finally get to eat some awesome kampungan dishes that i've always craved for. super yum i want more!

My days have been hectic again. I hardly have any rest. Hate this.

tgjvn

2009-08-03T10:10:00.002+08:00

My weekends were a piece of bullshit. Plans were cancelled twice and i end up hurting myself than ever. I should seriously have went to national day's parade preview with zaza on saturday and attended tuition rather than cancelling it. But what can i do? Things always end up unexpectedly. Trying to forget all over it. Afterall, i still love my friends and this kind of things are just bound to happen whether on purpose or not.

Amrz has been treating me like an ass for the past few days with a reason that he has been awfully sick and annoyingly very cranky. I end up crying and walking away from him twice because he broke my heart without realising it. It hurts but i still came back to make things right, because he hardly could. I am not an egoistic person by the way. At the end of it, i think for all the times i cry, become angry, walk away, he's still the one whose worth all my energy, tears and patience. Today is our anniversary. When i called him and wished him at the strike of midnight, he answered, "I thought you forgot about this day. I love you.", so i realised that he hasn't forgotten everything about me, instead, he still bothers to remember and signifies it. My heart completely gleamed for joy and i smiled like nobody's business.

You keep asking me this and that, and it all goes down the category of insecurities and fears, but you made it sound so perfectly strong on the outside hoping i will never get to find out that you're actually quite scared about things. You asked me what if one day i get fed up and give up with everything, you kept asking me all the what-if's. But i guess all your questions are best thrown into the thrash as they are completely unworthy no matter how you tend to think about it in repetitions. You know i love you, im not even giving any signs to you that i am doing any wrong things. Even you yourself know that. I really do love you, even if i have to go through the hardest way, there's really nothing wrong with that. I love you.

I am lazy to work already. quick la. end this fast.

sayang you

2009-07-28T13:15:00.003+08:00

yesterday was a good day, had half day off from work to go for my appointment. though the waiting time was really going over the limits, i still think that it was good afterall. As long as i have my baby with me, i think everything's good. I only did ultrasound scan though, didnt get to me Doctor for consultation. But better right? Less waiting time.

I really had a good time, somewhere, with you, of course. Haha only you know eh, shh don't tell people! I love being (insert) (insert) with you, and also, having you to (insert),(insert), (insert-insert) with me. Hahaha omg so mysterious i know! lol. Love it when people's imagination run wild. Haha no k. (:

Just know i had a lovely loving time with you last night, one of the greatest days i cannot forget. I love you so much my heart gleams for joy. (: And thanks for messaging me those lovely words last night.......(it feels so good to wake up and seeing a msg from you)

and i know you love me, cos your feelings show. (:

aiyoyo

2009-07-27T10:38:00.002+08:00

Last night, me and amrz experience another incident, in the bus again. it was just as worse, only much ruder and err very much jijik in our eyes that i stood there with my jaws open, and very very speechless, as though a big apple is being stuffed into my mouth like that. This time i just kept quiet, didnt dare to say anything but this incident really deterred amrz's patience and he kept on rambling on and on, he even waved to the bus' cctv. It's crazy. Well, who could ever take it if a bus driver actually SPAT towards us, not directly towards us but i know he spatted to show us that he was angry at us. But why? We didnt do anything wrong what... He even gave the shocking honk like all of a sudden when there are no cars around, right when we boarded the bus, to show us that he's angry. But why sia. Amrz told me that if another case like this were to happen, he's going to write in to the news. But i think, there's much more to it. Well, ask around, I bet every each of us has gone thru the worst bus ride ever. It's so damn easy to bring damn down. (:

Sometimes i think, why must we be treated like that? Just because we're of different races? But aren't we human supposed to respect everyone regardless of anything? Sigh. The world is so crumbling down.

Mangnya gw kok anak siyalan mau mrh diludah-ludahin segala? control dong jeng, dicontrol!
Practice PEACE my dear people. (:

Glad we all have God with us. (:
(Allahu-Akbar!)

hello

2009-07-26T23:59:00.000+08:00

i had a hectic weekend. being a wedding photographer is not fun at all especially when you have to think twice about going to the toilet, or sit down with your cousins. and the best thing, i am not in most pictures, and that sucks. why oh why must i be this way.

but its finally over. i rushed home just to see my baby. and he said i was pretty..i was surprised. haha.
sorry lah. its like one out of a thousand days that i wear makeup k, and err false eyelashes flick flick flick.

i have my 'breast centre' appointment tomorrow. tired already.hope everything goes well though. i dont want my boobs to be cut, definitely.

oh whatever. I love you my dear...maybe tomorrow k? cos im tired today. <3

lily allen

2009-07-24T14:56:00.002+08:00

why am i always scared. why do i keep having fears. why am i always scared eventhough initially, i am always the correct one. Why do i just have to fix things the wrong way eventhough i have all the facts with me. Why do i seriously have to be Lily Allen even at this serious situation. Why do i keep saying fuck, fucking, fucked, mothafucka, etc and finally get myself into problems? I know, the last i would want to say is, Fuck you, fuck you very very much.

If only someone could take me away.
I'd be thankful, i'd be relieved, for the rest of my entire lifetime.

thb

2009-07-22T15:24:00.000+08:00

"do not harm a person of good will"

you just did.

amazing.

2009-07-21T13:30:00.002+08:00

my body's in so much pain. i went to amrz's place and went home and then went back there. i cried while searching for ammirza last night and realised that he has been home like hours before but i missed him too much that even though half of my energy has died, and eventhough i've reached home, i still want to go out again to see him. I cried and wailed like a baby but nothing can stop me. I need to pour out these emotions i've kept for too long. My body felt like it had been dipped with fire and my throat swell like fuck.

and so i met him for 10 minutes and he hugged me. He kissed me too. I feel relieved for a few seconds, but that was enough to keep me happy. I never asked for anything more. He knew i missed him.

He always know what to do to keep me calmer and lift up my spirit. Because he know, i never ask anything much. I only hope.

I love you. i hope these days of neglection would be over soon so we can sit at the void deck or any benches and talk crap the way we always do.

you called.

2009-07-21T11:46:00.001+08:00

this morning, i smiled. because you finally called, and spoke nicely to me.

away

2009-07-20T15:36:00.001+08:00

things are so hard now. take me away. take me away.

this place.

2009-07-20T11:49:00.004+08:00

this was the place i fell in love, fall out of love and sustained love. this place meant so much, where i'd connect stars like a stairway to heaven for the both of us. this place showed me the soothing melody of love a pathetic guitar could give, love letters was more like a fairytale book i'd read every night, where deep stares were so frequent i get lost in any moment in time, where hugs were like the touch of perfect stars, holding hands were like an angel's embrace. This was the first place you hugged me and said "i really love you" and that was where i fell your heart beating.for.me. This was the first place you tasted my lips, and i tasted yours.

This was the place who showed me true love, for the first time, and the last.

I missed this place. very much.

why.,

2009-07-19T20:13:00.003+08:00

my heart's in deep complication. I start to realise things, but never sure if its good or bad. I know i love you. But that's not the point. See? i'm confused. I don't know. Are you? Do you? And you're my sweetheart cupcake munchkin (whatever you may want to call that), so what now? Are you going to put away 15 minutes out of your busy life to go hunt for darker places than night itself, and drown ourselves with deeper conversations and definitely with our usual hugs and intimate lips that we hardly taste now? Just 15 minutes. Because even though you're here, i miss you, i still miss you very much.

home

2009-07-17T10:20:00.003+08:00

i drew this the moment i stepped into my office. I loved what i drew, it brings out everything about me. I love rainy days, so pardon me for drawing as such, i have this habit of drawing dark clouds and very striking lightning bolts. I love the dark house, so gloomy and angry, so cold and sad. And not forgetting, i love roofs, because i could easily hang dangling cute stuffs down and it doesnt matter what i hang, as long as it has shapes, colour, that contrasts the dullness of the outer colour of my house. If you realised, there are 2 doors, one with the pink door knob, and the other, white. This is reserved for such cases, like when i am angry, i would just stomp out of the house through my door and run away and keep my keys, so no matter how angry i am, i could still go home without having him to lock me out. Oh, mine's the pink, the white's for amrz btw. So yep, it happens vice versa. And I'd only want to have one window, that is, leading to our room, and a ladder, that's perfectly fitted very symmetrically. I have my reasons for that too. okay.
I hope my house i scary enough to scare people away because i don't like visitors, unless you want to send food, then okay can. (:

I'm really bored. I'm tired.

haha

2009-07-16T14:39:00.001+08:00

just shut the fuck up and piss off. i'm busy.....working.

cheydebah kakak ofis ni.

why

2009-07-14T14:42:00.003+08:00

I woke up stronger than i was yesterday. I woke up thinking more about myself, about you, about my parents and my precious baby.

I woke up realising that I can do nothing at all to ever ever change the past. I have learnt to let it be, let it go, no matter how it hurts, no matter how much it's creating fears in me, we will let it pass by us in no time at all. They say "slowly, but surely".

In fact, you're still the same, but more lovely this time. You cuddle and cling onto me like a baby even when everyone else are watching. You think i have the best warmth that you ever needed and you even said, "If i am admitted to the hospital, you need to be with me ever second because i need a good pillow and the best pillow is you" (fine i have alot of fats).

You still look into my eyes with those pair of loving eyes that i guess, noone else can ever see even though you keep saying, "my eyes like so captivating, that every girls with fall in love with me just by looking into my eyes" and then i will answer, "but not me, never me, because your eyes are yellow, no contrast, not nice".

And eventhough we see each other every single day, you still tell me you miss spending some alone time with me, and it makes me feel that, no matter how much we think we had enough time with each other, we still wanted more, we still needed much more.

You still bite me and blush in embarassment each time i spot your tricks even before it could ever tricked me, and from there we can continue laughing about it till our stomachs hurt, "ammirza, that trick was so 2006" and you just fell in complete defeat.

I was your punching bag since 2006, and i still am. I wonder when your turn will be.

And when i start rambling about how my wedding will be, how i want my future house to be, you will question me so suspiciously, "what do you mean by YOUR wedding? isn't it supposed to be OUR wedding?" and then i say, 'Eh sorry i forgot." and he will punch me over and over again.

and when i thought you have stopped loving me, you still confess to me through messages at night.

why do you love me this much.

reassurance

2009-07-13T17:24:00.003+08:00

i am always scared, i have fears almost all the time.

but you said,

"I feel so terrible each time you have insecurities about me, it disappoints me that sometimes if i could cry, i really would. You cause me so much pain by accusing me this and that. I rejected all the girls who loved me, because i know my love is only for you. I tell every each person i've met that you're my girlfriend and I love you so much. And still, i cannot reassure you by doing anything else, even up till now. You're still insecure in your own ways up till now. I'm disappointed you know adlynn".

My heart will break, each time i hear sadness in your voice. why must you love me this much.

when i read blogs, i see friends teasing a friend about you, because she likes you, about liking my boyfriend. it tears me apart, because i am your girlfriend.

at times i want to tell you, i am never afraid of you, but i am afraid of all the other people in the world who wants to share their life with you, who wants to love you. Because when i hear that, I feel that you exist in other world, and i'm never ever part of it. And our love that we've created are completely vanished with the selfishness of other people's hearts. I see your names in others, i see pictures. When i see those pictures i became lost, i don't know you at all. I don't see myself in there, i don't know anything about it. Feels like we have known everything, but the little things that i do not know, just breaks me apart.

Because we're always together now, because we live with ourselves now, i realised in the past, we were too way apart and distant. If only it starts like this right from the start, and it continues just they it is till the end, noone would ever come into our lives and break us.

I am sorry for the spaces i left empty in the past.

crampin'

2009-07-13T10:34:00.002+08:00

i am in so much pain that i went to the extent of googling ' ways to end awful menstrual cramps', beside getting myself pregnant, and taking birth control pills, and this is what i found. Its crazy. It's fucking crazy.

"One of the last secrets of womanhood about to be revealed - masturbation helps IMMENSELY, esp. if you can orgasm. Yes, even if you are sick to the point of throwing up, are in a cold sweat, etc. You will initially think that it's the last thing you want to do right now, you won't be able to, etc., but isn't at least trying it better than feeling like you want to die? Something about the spasms of orgasm calms the uterus. It works better than Aleve (especially if you are throwing up), better than heating pads, better than the ridiculous idea of "taking a walk" when you can't stand up straight."

Great, just great. Oh yah sure i would so masturbate myself in my office like now. wtf! What a great excuse to indulge on sexual needs eh. Ajar yang bukan-bukan sahaja internet ni tau!

But then, after many minutes of googling, i found another.

"Get a friend, spouse or a professional to give you a massage. Focus only on 1 body part although there may be pain in several regions. The best thing you could do is to focus on your feet as you tend to cause most strain to them. A gentle massage followed by soaking them in hot water will relieve you of a lot of discomfort."

This one, damn best. I don't want to focus on one body part, i want to focus on every. (: Thank you amrz.

For now, I guess what heals best is hot boiling water, drink it up, feel your cramps burning in hell, and it eases the pain for a short period of time. well at least that helps a little.

period

2009-07-13T09:37:00.003+08:00

my stomach hurts like fuck. first day of my period, is sure to guarantee me hell throughout the days. Can my uterine lining just stop breaking down already? Are you guys like not tired of bleeding or what? It's causing me so much pain as though giving birth like that. When i think about the scientific procedures of mestruation, i freak out. Seriously, I freak out. The uterus is like a living creature. and why the fuck must the uterine lining cells breakdown again, and BLEED? It is giving me stupid wild imaginations that's so gore and scary. I even drew my imagination. This is torturous already. Today is when i realised that men are the most luckiest creatures in the world.

tired.

2009-07-13T00:05:00.005+08:00

the weekends were way hectic than expected.

Mama, ayah and my baby Iman will be flying off to KL to have a short getaway. I hope things are going to be alright there. Have wild fun, yes, good fun and good fun but cover your mouth when sneezing/coughing. Do not touch anyone there. Please always smile to everyone and keep your handphones and wallets properly in your handbag. In the hotel, remember to bring Iman to swimming pool but only for 1 hour and then dry him up properly and give him macdonald's porridge for breakfast. Do not wake up so early alright. Cuddle in the sheets and sing iman's favourite songs together. Remember to celebrate love by showing all means of affection towards each other and dont fight. Eat well but please, no food by the streets okay, keropok lekor is alright, but not nasi lemak or satay. And please, come home safely, dont make me worried. I'll miss the 3 of you, especially you, my baby. (iman remember our talk on the bed just now xoxo)

im shagged, im totally exhausted. I need some sleep.

But baby, call me first. I missed you. Thanks for kissing me.

so easy

2009-07-11T14:09:00.001+08:00

the stupid things we do together, the silly things, so funnily, its so crazy.
is this why we're still in love.
i love you, amrz.

listen

2009-07-10T17:22:00.002+08:00

everything's in a mess. I wanna know how i truly feel about all these because it's been long since i ever touch on the book of friendship and its problems. I just hope that she'll realise it soon enough, because again, i don't hate. I just want to avoid.

Each time these kind of problems surface, i let my mind drive wild for seconds in the present, because the moment after, they're all forgotten. They're all forgotten with forgiveness, they are all forgotten even without apologies, they're all forgotten with sincerity, and they're all forgotten with a smile.

I did my best to reach out, to avoid myself with accusations about you, to know you even before i am told by anyone, even by my very own boyfriend that is also my own bestfriend, the one i truly trust so much, who knows you better than i do. I reached out to you, directly to you, even if its very hard to, in any ways, in every ways, i tried so hard just to know who you truly are. To heal my insecurities, to heal my pain that i've kept for so long and to stop my judgements. I reached out to you, because when a friendship is built, it is equipped with honesty and trust, and i want to share them with you. I reached out to you because since you couldn't care about what what i feel, i taught you to feel what we all ought to.

Friendships need no boundaries, need no limits. Especially among us girls. Once we give, we should give it all.

I am sorry for myself, I really am.

friends

2009-07-10T11:33:00.012+08:00

and not forgetting, shanad, syidah, naya, fit and sara.

Friends, how cliche'.

I had just a faced some truth as my boyfriend told me about something. About someone who told another friend about some personal things i shared with her about, and the friend told my boyfriend this and that. You get the drift? Yes. It hurts me a little but sooner, i thought i should just let it go.

I still remember your words, " Don't worry, it's just gonna be between me and you. You can trust me" and just yesterday, i know otherwise. If not for my boyfriend, i would have continued being a fool and trust you, wholeheartedly.

Thankfully, I'm not the kind of friend who would bear grudges and hate for any reason, neither would i go to the extend to retaliate. I was a goodfriend towards you because i thought you deserved being nice to, but it seems that you being friends with me, is just about creating a larger circle than the usual, creating a fake but good impression, instill false hopes, try to get to know stuffs and then spread it like its gonna be a good story to be told. Your words are so promising and it looks so sincere and true, but beneath, are just waiting on who you want to tell so you could easily share both heads and crack some sense that "wow we have the same bitch to talk about so just wait, i'll talk nicely to her and get some stuffs we all want to hear and i'll tell you guys in a second". voila.

I don't want to hear all this anymore, i don't want to hear anything about us being friends. There's nothing about friendship that needs you to impress. You give everything right from your soul, your heart, you're not happy with it, you talk to me, we work things out. If it cant be worked out, we share some pain, we share some sorrows and we leave it all behind seeing our friendship as something unjustified and fateful and keep it as memories.

I remember i always text you, I always attempt to talk to you, to know how you are doing, to tell you that sometimes i do think of you because I miss you since the last we talked and how things are currently especially with you and your boyfriend. you being a friend was already in me. I was so sincere about knowing you because i pushed myself to a next step which is friendship, a good friendship, the one with sincerity and love, and never any purpose.

I loved you as a friend, but this hit me. I need to know who my real friends are. And sadly, it's not you anymore. You would have been, but you just blew it away with your own selfishness. Im sorry.

you, just you

2009-07-09T16:28:00.001+08:00

& the world starts to spin again, with long intervals of emptiness and serenity, everything inside completely crumble. Amazing isn't it? i don't know. So i hold my heart in peace, the more it firmly holds, the more lightly it grabs, i start not to feel anything. I realised i am all numb, and it's all because of you.

i feel my whole entire self being lifted up to the skies, and it throws me with no mercy to the ground, to the ground of the past. I tremble as i walk, i cry as i speak. I fear as i feel, i don't want to feel anything. I fear my feelings, so i held on to you. Yes you, the one who made me fear of everything. As we fear ourselves, we dedicate supplies to the morning seas. We fill the empty buckets with our sadness, we fill up the spaces with the breath of promises. Why does promises seem so promising, when beneath every, betrayal are their constant. The clouds turn grey and they're all blaming me, i isolate, i kept myself in the dark.

With your love would you protect me, with your faith would you set me free? it has always been that journey of yours i am heading to, whether you're around or never, whether there is no light but darkness, your silhouette i embrace, i always hold on to none. This hope, that hope, what should we hope now?

You pulled me aggressively, you left my heart with bruises. You let the pricking texture of the rain fall merciless on me, and my hair's all drenched now. It's appearing like sticky twigs, you'd call it. So you could see me being ugly? Is that what you really want to show everyone? And slowly you gently pulled my hand, i don't understand. You make the rain wash my tears away. You make me climb higher than we were before, i wonder. Where would you be bringing me? Up there, right up there you showed me. As I climbed the last step to reach the top of the world, i feel the heat of the scorching sun, as it represents your warmth. Slowly as i climb higher, i feel orange sunrays shining their light on me. My face gleamed with its own nature. You let God's light shine right through me. You pulled my soaked hair to the back of my ears, and you lifted my head up to you. It's your damn eyes, the eyes of love pierced right through me.

Why couldn't I see this earlier or maybe am I just in time. Why do I only get to feel this now or maybe every good thing need time? Is God trying to plan something for me? I am not sure myself.

With your love i fall down on my knees, i admit defeat, I rise up my hands, and I'd surrender. All the harshness that represents gentle, all the pain that meant strength, all the ignorance that proves me forever. The way you love isn't like any kind, the most indirect way for the purest intention. The past years taught me about you, but today, it is about discovering you in me, and the discovery of myself in you. When I fall, you showed me how painful it was to stand up, when I cry, you taught me the unexpected beauty of smile. When you are in pain I showed you the wonders of faith, when you feel like you're alone, I reminded you of the existence of pure love in you and me. As I get tired of releasing pain and tension, contributing my tears to the ocean, giving energy to nerves, you turned my whole world around. A whole new world, when reality is crystal clear.

Amrz,

You took my hands, fill the spaces of your fingers into mine, and firmly cuffed our hands with your abilities and strength. You walked all over the world with just me by your side.

Baby, we've walked our road for years and all we do is misunderstand, mistrust, fight, betray and lie. But today, listen to me, listen to the purest of my heart.

We were living in our own world where the seas lifted us up, and the full moon shines light on our love. It was my best birthday ever, if you could remember.

When you first held me and I closed my eyes, you whispering, and I start to cry. Why do you feel so good, and you're so beautiful. In my heart that's filled with fears I hope you'll never let me go, even if I did. Looking into your eyes, the eyes of love. I tremble as I held your face, when I did I saw the sun. And with my heart on my lips, I tasted your kiss but why did you have to touch my soul? My heart keeps telling me I am feeling things I've never felt before. Is this what they call pure love? Today, I held on to you and I never knew; I never knew feelings like this could exist inside of me. The love in me is soaring, and emotions exploding. Would you just hold me, touch me and feel me. You said once, 'as long as you love me', the way you always reach for me when I need you to need me. If only you could trust me, you'd teach me. I don't want to live another day if you're not here with me. Hold my heart and never let go of me. Because you're half of me, my heart still beats.

I love you.

Love, your princess.

i wanna hate.

2009-07-06T23:05:00.004+08:00

something kills me, my goddamn insecurities again. And sadly, its not about the present i am referring to, but the past. Yes, you know. those little insecurities about the little things people do, like, they used to like/LOVE my boyfriend when err me and bf are still together, the feeling sucks btw. like 'what, how, when, why, where' are all jumbled up and put in perfect places that should be named as 'my fucking insecurities forever'. and it keeps haunting me over and over again.

oh fuck it.
there is nothing within my willpower to ever change things right?
like the pain, it permanently stays.
who knows, who could ever understand, who could ever feel?

i am being too nice not to hate people. but sometimes, i hope i could.

i want my old hair. cos its perfect like that.

how slow.

2009-07-01T16:07:00.002+08:00

things are relatively going at the very most slowest at this moment that to keep myself from falling asleep, i googled names. and i felt stupid for doing that because there are indeed things or words i dont really want to see, cos it gives me very bad jitters all over. so before i get paranoid for no reason and commit myself into such things like accusing without any strong base, i better shut this thing off. And i did, so here i am, blogging about IT. (WHAT THE FUCKKKK)

I had a good morning, apparently amrz was being a sweetheart (no actually, it just happens that he'se sending mirzi to school) to meet me at 7.30 AM. so nice right? muahaha. We shared breakfast and took the bus. Besides the fact that i am really irritated by him last night and i almost die of his annoyance, i still think he's some cutestuff cos he practically acts like a stupid immature pri 4 boy. he laughs and giggle to his own 'not funny' jokes and he teases me out of nothing and carried on laughing like there'll never ever be tomorrow. And that sucks. Fullstop. But i realised the only thing that'll shut him up is when i threaten, "im not gonna give you any cigarettes" and there he goes clinging on to me like a baby and show me this pathetic i-am-so-sad face that i don't actually give a damn about it. haha.

and the reason why i sulked and became so cranky shit is obviously for the reason we are not having our date today, which is supposed to happen like NOW 'apparently'. but due to my pathetic cheque, i need to wait till tomorrow, so for today, i just gotta deal with it.

i hate my girlfriends (siti, nat & aini , consecutively) for having their birthdays to fall on within 3 weeks straight, and that will definitely explain if ever i am going to be a begger at the end of every events there ever is.

oh did i tell you? my supervisor is currently away for the whole entire day, and also, my 2 engineers have been missing since forever, and wooo i'm so having the time of my life. NO, actually, never, if im still here.

so bye.

still

2009-06-29T17:16:00.002+08:00

i am still in grief for MJ's death that once in a while, his songs starts playing in my head, and there goes tears rolling down. It's hard to ever believe, but if i have to, i'll take it with the best possible way.

Whatever it is, we all know God loves you more than you can ever imagine.

Im tired, exhausted, shagged.

2009-06-29T14:58:00.002+08:00

My days and nights are slowly filling me up with uncertainties again. I tend to let it linger for a while in my mind and when it gets tired, I’ll shut them all in my sleep. Bits of little globules of fears slowly builds up like blocks, and when it gets too much and massive, it all crumbles down to nothing. Every extreme situations that I feel are all dealt with taking it all in at once, and giving up at the very next second. It gets tired, really.

But my faith and courage has held me strong for quite some years now. From what I can see, and what I can say, is that I’m kind of proud of myself, really.

You.

2009-06-28T01:54:00.004+08:00

i love you, i love today, i love our every days.

Being with you has filled me with so much happiness and contentment. The way you often give me cute little kisses on my cheeks on random hours and call me saying, "dearr...i miss you.." and how you love to make me angry and then when i sulk you say, "alah cute nye manja i ni", though it sounds pretty much cheesy in here, it feels really great inside when that happens.

I loved today, because you never stopped kissing me, holding my hands and hugging me even if it might probably be considered as a form of public display affection especially in front of your friends. Being with you still creates very awesome jitters in my stomachs like 'love fairies' fluttering their glittery wings excitedly. We are so happy now that we sing out loud together, dance crazily together, act like you're a policeman and i'm a cool victim together, and still share sweets the special way we always do it.

You said last night, "whats yours is mine, whats mine is yours. You're my wife what". (:

and for that i realised i loved you more than any other days before.
Because you are being you, and i love you.

.

up yours

2009-06-26T17:21:00.002+08:00

Everything's seemed like a total mess today. My mind's not here, my whole entire emotions are dedicated to MJ for many reasons or so. My heart just keeps on breaking. My mind's wandering to nowhere but to tears. I kept on weeping like i have never been before. Each time i listen to his songs now, i imagine many things. Many issues kept running through my mind, my strength no longer stays. Is there such faith in someone whose dead and gone? Sighs.

I did my work terribly today, i guess my engineer is getting a little too irritated with my performance that she chose to do it all by herself all over again because she realises that the measurements i took was totally opposing to the estimated results and this is a bad thing for them (well at least it doesnt affect me, i don't care?) . I just gave her the "what-fuck-did-i-do-now" expression and just left to sit on my actual desk and here i am blogging about how terrible my day is without MJ.

It just hurts so much.

I've been so cranky the whole day, even the most decent plain water tastes like crap. And when everyone starts talking, i wish i could easily stomp right to their faces and show my middle finger very much parallel to the stem of their fucking nose. And yes, you three no lifers can gossip about me la i don't care. Like as if i enrolled myself to get this job or something. WE ARE ALL FORCED TO but as long as i am paid, i am going to shut my fucking crap up.

Yes, i am going to shut my fucking mouth for the next fucking merepek 8 weeks. and im going to swear myself i wont ever work doing this in any point of my entire life. Lastly, UP YOURS LADIES. UP YOURS.

Michael Jackson, forever.

2009-06-26T11:35:00.004+08:00

who have we all lost, who have we lost our attention to along the years?

Rest in Peace, my only one.

For the times i groove to your songs, for the times i sang your songs proudly, for the times i see the positivity in you though the world sees you as a negative figure to the society, for the times i know that the truths in the publicity are lies, and the truths itself are never justified, i understand you, for the times i cussed my friends for insulting you, for the times i first cried when the news showed you married Lisa Marie cos i was jealous, for the times i watched your concerts on LD to CD every single time when i was little, for the times i love making a fool out of myself by dancing to your groovy routines, for the times i scream to the extreme madness when i listen to your songs (esp heal the world), for the times swore to eveyone you're my first idol, and you'll always be.
it was painful, when my sister called me just to tell me. My heart broke at that instance, my body shivers like it has never been. I broke into tears, i coudn't take that all in.

For you MJ, i give you my love, my respect, my heart, to you.

sunshine

2009-06-25T22:54:00.009+08:00

(precious random times with you)

i told you, no matter how my life seemed like its down in the dumps, amrz is always the one who'll brighten up the remaining hours that's left for the day. I don't know, no matter how temperamental this boy could ever get, he's still the one who'll run back into my arms and cuddle me like a baby. Because he said he loves me, you think? Hehe i love you sunshine. <3

everything's a bitch.

2009-06-25T16:10:00.004+08:00

the boredom's hitting on me again, gosh baby gosh.

i've been rather quiet today due to some stuffs i've been thinking the whole night and morning, but i managed to calm myself down after i recieved calls from amrz and when he ends each phone conversation with an 'i love you', my heart completely fills me in. i hope tonight when we meet, things will be okay again, i can't wait to be in your arms and having you giving hundreds of little kisses to me like you normally do.

iman's bday is on saturday, and i hate myself for not having any money to buy him anything or even have any celebration (cos our family's going through alot of issues lately). its okay baby kakak will get you anything you want once kakak's pay is in alright, and bring you to mcdonald's or kfc and buy you bubble tea (: (kiss you)

i've been feeling rather sick lately,the usual fever, flu, running nose or any thing in relevance. My body aches like fuck, my scalp bleeds last night and i only got to find out when i scraped off my scalp because i realised something on my head was bothering me and found out it was like some blood thingy. i dont know, i didnt had any more guts to scrape anymore. And my ear is like..urgh i dont know. amrz knows. its so fuck painful! the pain's getting more excruciating the more i tried applying any kind of medicated oil or lotion, it just worsen the more i tried to make it all better. My gastric's being a bitch. i have to eat every 4 hours or my stomach will start growling like fuck and it attacks my inner system like i am sinful child like that. sigh! I am exhausted. I hardly have enough hours to sleep because i have just so many things to do. My body aches i am dying for some massage. This tiredness and exhaustion is soon killing me. And everything else will cause the dysfuctional system to my brain and cause much migraine as they please. wth.

okay i just read this.

"during this period, staff are advised to pay close attention to their health and watch out for H1N1 symptoms of flu such as high fever, sore throat, cough, body aches, runny nose, headaches & tiredness".

i am dying. before i die, i want to pay my bills. :( aku rasa pasal bill2 ni semua sebab tu aku sakit. cb nye bills.

work

2009-06-24T13:15:00.011+08:00

I am falling asleep, and its only 30 minutes after break. cb.

I am getting bored of my blog posts. Its just not me.

when the world's in love with me.

2009-06-23T23:45:00.003+08:00

so, its barely 15 minutes till it strikes midnight and here i am, having my eyes fixed on this screen and editing my cousin's wedding photoshoot. It's way tiring than ever and really fuck tedious because when i was done uploading the pictures to my laptop, i realised the pictures doesn't appear as nice, maybe because of the place, or maybe just because i was shy enough to ask them to follow my directions and instructions, cos he's my cousin and i dont talk to him. gah! and then i continuously cussed myself and swore i will quit being a photographer and stop accepting any more clients because i simply suck i rather not live with my own pathetic being. sigh.

i am tired, shagged, exhausted today. i left work around one and a half hours earlier and gave excuses like i was feeling really sick because i can't stand how i am not given any work there and i waste my life away by sitting and smsing and sitting and falling asleep. i took the risk and held on straight to my guts just to say, "can i leave early? i feel really sick" and yes, i took the risk, i gain its benefit. they always say liars are the ones with benefits, but they are the one who'll lose eveything else. okay, i am not supportive of that part though. seriously.

i head off to granny's place with amrz to spring clean! cos there were too much to be clean since they're moving in there back after a year rent to a bangla tenant. and i'll be living there soon too, so i wouldn't mind contributing my time and energy to help things out. since they've helped alot at my place as well. somehow, i am just too annoyingly sexcited to move out, and have a new home and start my whole life back considering like, its a new beginning to my life or something. HOW DRAMATIC, I SUKER!

actually i am a little hesitant of creating this public blog because i am not really a fan of people knowing things about me and my life, but i guess, i am doing this for my girlfriends to update themselves about me, and also, i miss blogging. but it's so much different now, the way things are written and put into words. It's basically a string of events that happen in my daily life and here goes my daily ramblings for all of you. i know! very annoying! but let me tell you something, this kind of posts will only last for around a month or two and there goes back to the way i originally write my blogs. nyaha!

i miss noraini.
i miss sitishah and nurulnat.
i miss fit and sarah.
i miss zaza.

and i love you ammirza.
sometimes when i just look at you,
my heart instantly breaks,
but when you smile and kiss me,
it heals everything.
hold my heart forever, and feel it beating for you like never before.

hopeless.

2009-06-23T13:41:00.001+08:00

Things have been easy, at least for now. I’ve settled myself down and be as calm as I can ever be, because my past events in my life has probably tire me out of all the misery and trouble. I tend to clean my hands off every ridiculous pieces of abnormality in any situations that I face because these are little things that has probably rip my entire life away along with all my happiness and thus leaving me with being err..Paranoid. I don’t know. Yet, I am afraid, because, I am starting to not care much about things, but look forward to what I am going to possess in the future.

The future, what does it holds for me? I have the best ability of sitting, daydreaming and making my mind fly to any other regions in the world or maybe beyond the world for that perfect ability to just dream and fantasize about things. I think about so many things that it scares the hell out of me, wondering if the outcomes will be at its very worst though we very much expected it. We just talk too much because we’re hopelessly scared of everything else in the world. We’re just plain cowards to start off with everything. Everything becomes ironic and complicated when things just go towards or against out wishes. It gets angrier the longer it takes.

And now, being the person that I am in my own very pathetic and sad working life. -.-‘

I hope this remaining 10 weeks will pass as fast as it could. I can no longer stand the long hours that continuously make me regret of how it actually wastes my precious time doing things that are so irrelevant to my life, my personality. It opposes to every of my interests and not to forget, it has slowly drifted myself apart from my friends. I can hardly breathe now, with all the hours that pushes me into suffocation, its making things sound like we’re all living behind the row of steel bars. I bet my fellow friends who are going through this are sharing the same disastrous pain with me. I can even go to that extend of running away from doing work for a few minutes just to catch some sleep in the toilet because while I do work in front of the computer screen doing some fuck test, my eyes were as heavy as myself, gravity is pulling my pathetic lashes down to earth’s ground and I see myself attempting to shut my eyes and cursing everyone else in the world because I cant possibly sleep on this desk. I know. Sigh. I am already counting down till the end (on that 22nd August, Friday at 6.15 pm on the dot) even when it has just barely started. What the F. And so, let’s countdown again, for my own sake.

8 WEEKS AND 3 DAYS.
(It feels like 8 years and 3 months)

And so whatever it is, and come what may, janji jangan kerja office sudah.

virgin entry.

2009-06-23T13:18:00.002+08:00

so i'll be here for now? just a way of saving myself.

and i love you.